


Letters to an absent friend

by randomdestielfangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accountant Castiel (Supernatural), Breaking Up & Making Up, Dean/Cas Tropefest 5k Mid-Winter Challenge, Epistolary, Infidelity Outside of Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Pining, Pining Dean, Post-Break Up, Relationship Issues, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 17:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10576437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomdestielfangirl/pseuds/randomdestielfangirl
Summary: Cas,Therapist told me to write these. Said they’d help somehow. He told me to write down everything I wanted to say to you. Everything I regret not telling you.I have nothing to say to you.Dean.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first shot at writing an epistolary style fic, so if it's garbage, I apologize. 
> 
> A huge thank you to Marie for the lightning fast beta-read, and thank you to Muse and Jojo for running this challenge, and to Muse again for the very lovely banner.

 

There’s an old tin box in the spare bedroom of Dean Winchester’s house. Rusty and beaten looking, it nestles innocuously under the bed, between a broken suitcase and an old pan with no lid.

It is a Thursday evening in March, surprisingly warm for that time of year.

The man steps into the room, throwing open the windows in the vain hope of attracting a non-existent breeze. He waits for a while before stumbling backwards on top of the bed, muttering angrily. It creaks rather alarmingly. The man startles before getting up and peering underneath the bed. He smiles vaguely at the sight, pushing the suitcase a little more towards the middle. The tin box clangs as it hits the pan. 

The man’s eyes shoot up in surprise before he cautiously reaches for the box and pulls it out. It’s old - cream and orange colored, the faded black lettering dully proclaiming it to be the official first aid kit of the Boy Scouts of America. He touches it reverently, gently prising the lid open. It opens with a creaking sound, and the inside is stuffed full of letters. There is proper fancy letter paper, mixed in with scribbled over gas station receipts, post it notes, envelopes and yellow legal pad sheets. The writing on them is spidery and cramped, all of them addressed to a single person.

The man spreads them out carefully on the floor, trying to make sense of where it begins.

 

+

_ Cas, _

_ Therapist told me to write these. Said they’d help somehow. He told me to write down everything I wanted to say to you. Everything I regret not telling you.  _

_ I have nothing to say to you. _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ Sam’s still making me go to this guy. He says he’ll kick me out otherwise. When I tell him I’ll go he won’t let me. Starts whining about how he needs me and how we’re family and how I’m clearly not okay if I can’t stand hearing your name. _

_ For the record, I’m fine. The sooner I’m done with this, the faster I can get off Sam’s couch and start over.   _

_ Anyway, I’m supposed to pen down one thing that bothered me about our break up before my next session. Or dumping, as it was.  _

_ You left me. It bothers me. _

_ There, I’m done. _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ Yes, I’m still here. Sam bought me fancy ass writing paper with fucking violets on them. I didn’t know they still made these. Who writes to anyone anymore? I’m surprised he didn’t get me perfumed envelopes as well.  _

_ Going to see Victor again today. I must say he’s nothing like what I thought a therapist would be like.  _

_ I hate the fact that you just upped and left. That you were all packed and ready to go.  _

_ Dean.   _

+

_ Cas, _

_ Sam’s out on a date. He seemed really shifty about it, but I could smell the coconut shampoo in his hair. And he was wearing his black shirt.  _

_ Whatever, I had plans - the new season of Dr.Sexy started today. He’s changed his hair, grown it out a little. It looks good.  _

_ I wonder if you still watch it. Or was it just because I made you? _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I wish things had gone differently. It’s just.. I really thought we were a forever deal, man. You said so yourself. All those dreams we had in high school… We were so close to having them all come true. We were going to buy an apartment. Get a damn cat for you. That kitchenaid stand up mixer for me. And you just walked away from it all. _

_ Did you even love me? _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ Sam and I had a fight, and he’s gone to spend the night at his girlfriend’s place. It was me, I was the one who kept pushing him, kept baiting him, because when he snapped I finally saw something else other than pity. I hate the way he looks at me, the way he keeps apologizing for living his life.  _

_ I love Sam.  _

_ So why doesn’t he trust me?  _

_ Yeah, I’m not in the best place right now, but I love him and I want the best for him. And I’m trying Cas, I really am. I’m going to therapy. I’m doing what Victor says. I’m even writing these letters that you’ll never read.  _

_ Why does no one believe me when I tell them I love them? You didn’t either. _

_ I loved you Cas, I did.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ Sam came back and insisted on talking it over. So blah blah blah he’s very sorry and we’re fine. He said he’s going to invite his girlfriend over for dinner. Her name’s Amelia, and she’s a vet. Sounds just about perfect for Sam.  _

_ Naturally I’m the one going to do the cooking as Sam can just about manage to not burn water.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I miss you so bad, it’s like having a stomach ache all the time. I hate it. I hate you. You walked away so easy and I bet you haven’t looked back once. I stare at my phone all the time, I jump at every call and message. I dream about you. I can’t walk past our old place anymore. I can’t bear to go and have a burger at Lloyd's. You’re everywhere and still nowhere.  _

_ I love you, Cas. God help me. I don't think this letter writing is helping. _

_ Dean.   _

_ + _

_ Cas, _

_ It’s been a long time. I’ve been trying not to write because I think it made things worse for a while. Lots of things have happened. I met Amelia - we didn’t really hit it off, but she’s good for Sam and I’ve made my peace with it. I moved out, closer to the autoshop. One of those buildings we had considered last year. The rent’s a little steep, but the parking is good, and the kitchen’s just been renovated. And you’ve never been in it, so I can go and take a leak in the middle of the night without expecting you to be in bed beside me after.  _

_ It does get quiet sometimes, but at least Sam’s not here to tell me to drink those godawful green sludges for breakfast or stock the fridge with kale.  _

_ The new place has a window seat. Nothing fancy, but Amelia gave me some patchwork cushions when I moved in. _

_ You would have loved it.  _

_ Dean.   _

+

_ Cas, _

_ Why did you have to go? _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I met someone yesterday. Her name’s Lisa - she’s a yoga instructor and she’s new in town. We’re going to the Roadhouse tomorrow night.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ The date went great. Better than I expected. She’s really great - hot as sin, but easy to talk to. She has a little boy, the father’s not in the picture. His name’s Ben, and he turns two this October. Made plans to go out for coffee this week.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I think I’m still in love with you. _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ The Lisa thing’s going pretty well - just afternoon dates and a lot of texting as she doesn’t want to leave her son with babysitters too much. I’m okay with it going slow. At least it’s someone to talk to, someone who smiles at me, someone who cares a little. Someone other than Sam. _

_ Dean. _

\+ 

_ Cas, _

_ Things are actually going okay, surprisingly. I finally met Ben about a month ago - he’s a really sweet kid. We had a picnic last Sunday at the park, and I invited them both home afterward. We cooked dinner together while Ben played nearby. He wanted me to shape his chicken nuggets into animals, and let me tell you, that shit’s hard to do. And he insisted on sitting on the window seat for the meal, watching the cars go by. _

_ But it was nice, I mean. For the first time, the apartment didn’t seem so empty. _

_ Why do I still miss you? _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I know, it’s been a long, long time. Lisa and Ben are all set to move in with me tomorrow. We’ve been dating seriously for a year now, and Ben and I get along really well, so why not? I redecorated the little bedroom into a big boy’s room for Ben. Remember the Miller place downtown? Where we bought that ridiculous lamp of yours? Me and Lisa went shopping for a race car bed and a bookshelf from there. Ben’s turning three soon, and he’s been asking for one for so long now.  _

_ Sam and Amelia came over to help me paint the walls last week. She’s not that bad once you get to know her. Plus she makes a mean meatloaf, so I could get used to having her around. _

_ I’m thinking of asking her to marry me. Not now, maybe after a few months. I love Ben, I want to be his dad. And Lisa’s really great too - she’s smart and funny and really, really amazing in bed. She’s not you, but no one is.  _

_ Dean.  _

+

_ Cas, _

_ It's three am and I've just finished cleaning. _

_ We celebrated Ben’s third birthday today. Had a real kiddie party - cake, balloons, a magician, party games, the works. He was so happy. Sam would have loved something like this when he was little. Lis and I made the cake the night before - a paw patrol one. I can't stand the theme song anymore but it's the only thing Ben will watch. The cake didn’t turn out that great-looking, but you should've seen the look on his face when we brought it in. _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I don't know why I keep writing to you. I don't go to Victor anymore.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I bought a ring yesterday. Nothing fancy, but it’ll look beautiful on Lisa. Her birthday is coming up soon, and I’ve booked a weekend away (with Ben of course).  _

_ It’s strange, but yours is still with me too - the one I never got to give to you.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I lost my job today - well everyone did. The garage is shutting down. Lisa has been very supportive and I do have a couple of months savings, but I really want something to turn up fast. The rent is steep, but it's close to Ben’s nursery and his favorite park, and I don't want to have to disrupt his life. Lisa doesn't make enough for us to live here without me working. _

_ I was almost planning on proposing anyway, but I couldn’t go through with it. We still had a great vacation.  _

_ Dean.  _

+

_ Cas, _

_ It's been five weeks and I haven't found anything. All the experience in the world is not going to help someone with a GED get a job. There's lots of us out there.  _

_ I wish I'd gone to community college like you kept telling me to.  _

_ Lisa has been great, but I don't think her patience is going to last much longer. We had our first serious argument today and I don’t even get what she was unhappy about. She said my moodiness is affecting Ben, and that, that really hurt - because believe me, I love that kid. I’d do anything for him. And I do - I drop him off and pick him up, I make him dinner, I take him out, we play together. On the days Lisa’s late, I even give him a bath and put him to bed. He’s like my own kid.  _

_ She apologized after she saw how upset I got, but I can’t help but think about it.  _

_ I do miss you, Cas. You were always there for me at my lowest. I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you enough for it.  _

_ I hope you’re happy.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ Things are going downhill. Lisa’s been coming later and later these days - she says she’s picked up an extra session and some more evening clients. It brings in more money and she doesn’t have to spend an evening with yours truly, so win-win.  _

_ She's also been sleeping in Ben’s room a lot lately, he’s turning clingy because he doesn’t see her much.  _

_ I’m a failure, Cas. I’ve applied everywhere and I haven’t even got a call back.   _

_ I don’t deserve to be Ben’s dad.  _

_ It’s good that you left when you did I guess. _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ It’s over. _

_ She’s gone. And she’s taken Ben with her.  _

_ I wish I’d never met them.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ cas, _

_ whydja leve i miss you so much. i hate that you lef me. i’m not good enogh to stay with for anyoe. lisa left me she took Ben away and icant do anything about it. ive no rits im not his real dad. thank god for all the alcohol. _

_ dean. _

\+  

_ Cas, _

_ I’m still in the apartment. Haven’t left it in a while.  _

_ She finally sat me down and told me the whole story. Turns out that six years ago she was just out of a bad relationship when this new dude popped up at the gym she was working in. And he was handsome, charming, blah blah the works. They got together pretty fast and things were going great until she found out he had a wife already, and a pregnant wife at that.  _

_ She says she was disgusted, tried to break up with him, but he kept begging her, saying they were soulmates, star-crossed lovers, he just needed a little time, he’d get a divorce after baby is born. And she let him come back. His kid was born, he didn’t get a divorce. She tried to break it off again, he promised after baby’s first Christmas. She waited, he didn’t. It lasted two years till she got pregnant accidentally. And she knew that this was never going to end - so she left. No warning him, no threatening, no arguing. Changed her number, quit her job and moved in with her parents to give birth. _

_ Well, he tracked her down. With the signed divorce papers. Turns out he could get divorced pretty fast when he had the incentive. Said he’s sorry, begged, pleaded - that’s why she was coming late. _

_ She told me she owes it to Ben to give it a chance to be a ‘real family’. His kid lives with his wife and he shares custody, so he can’t be too far away from them. Besides, her family and friends are still in Michigan and... well.  _

_ I let her go.      _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I gave up the apartment today. Lost the deposit because I didn’t fulfill my lease, but I can’t care less. _

_ Sam offered to let me move in, but I can’t stand to be here anymore.  _

_ I’ve packed what I have into Baby and I’m going to just drive. Everywhere but Michigan that is.  _

_ Dean. _

\+ 

_ Cas, _

_ I’m in Maine. Found myself a job. The place is nice - the weather’s great and the girls are pretty. Probably not going to stay though. _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ It’s been over a year since I’ve left. And I still don’t feel like stopping.  _

_ How are you, man? _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ Sam called me today. He’s given up trying to ask me to come back, but the whiny note’s there in his voice sometimes. He’s getting married this Spring and I’m his best man. I’m so grateful the kid has his life in shape.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ Kind of regret throwing Lisa’s ring into the damned ocean when I was in Maine. I could’ve done with some cash. _

_ Dean _

+

_ Cas, _

_ You know why I stayed there, even after you left? Because for so long, I thought you’d come home again. Part of me always believed that you’d come back.  _

_ I was wrong.  _

_ I wish I’d left then. I wouldn’t have met her, I wouldn’t have lost a kid.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ It’s Ben’s birthday today. I wonder if he still remembers me.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I nearly crashed the car today. So thanks for that. _

_ Of all the places in the country you moved to fucking Pontiac, Illinois?  _

_ You didn’t see me. You won’t, because I’m just passing through.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I see you didn’t lose your flasher coat. It still looks hideous. _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ I swear I was going to leave after I saw where you worked. Just in case I ever wanted to contact you. Not that I was going to.  _

_ But you saw me and now you probably think I’m a stalker. _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ It’s four am and you’re naked and snoring in my bed. I’m numb. Are we back together? Is this just a nice-to-see-you-again-but-goodbye fuck? You didn’t say anything when you barged in.  _

_ I’m scared Cas. I’m really scared. I want to be with you, but I don’t know you, the real you anymore. Just the guy I’ve been writing to.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ Well okay. We’re back to fighting again and I’m in Baby in a truck stop and I wish I could just leave, but my wallet’s still on the nightstand and I have no shoes on.  _

_ I didn’t miss this. _

_ Dean. _

_ + _

_ Cas, _

_ That was some apology speech you gave. _

_ So the biggest mistake you ever made was walking away huh? And NOW you want to get back together, now you say you never should have left, now you’re begging ME for a second chance.  _

_ Somehow, it didn’t make me feel as happy as it should have, hearing that from you. I’ve wanted to hear you grovel for so long, but actually hearing it, watching you cry, all of it just made me angry. I've dreamed of this moment for years, dreamed of slamming the door in your face and watching your heart break for a change.  _ _ I should hold out, I don’t know, make you suffer as much as you made me.. But I’m so tired, Cas. I’m tired of missing you, tired of wanting to be with you.  _

_ Let's not punish each other anymore. _

_ Dean. _

\+ 

_ Cas, _

_ Your apartment is awful. But I did get a job, so… the faster I’m going to scrounge up a deposit again, the sooner we’re going back home.  _

_ Dean. _

+

_ Cas, _

_ Sam’s wedding is tomorrow and we’re still together. I can’t believe it sometimes.  _

_ And I’m not going to wait anymore. I still have that ring I bought you years ago - it was always yours. I’m going to ask you, I don’t care about the time. I know I’m still struggling with finding the perfect job and us finding the perfect place to live, but I can’t lose you again.  _

_ Dean. _

+

Dusk falls ever so gently as Castiel sits dazed amid the pile of paper. The letters lie scattered around him, filled with Dean’s artless, heartbreaking words, their very folds reproachful. 

Distantly, there is a slam of the car door, but he doesn’t really register it. A gruff voice calls out his name, slowly at first, increasingly frantic when he doesn’t answer. He tries to, tries to call out to Dean, tries to get up and meet Dean halfway. Instead, there’s a great buzzing in his ears as he mechanically smooths some of the sheets out, putting them back in the box.  

“There you are,” Dean says, startling him, “why didn’t you answer? And what are you - ”  

Castiel looks up at him. Dean looks alarmed and embarrassed, his face red, his eyes on the letters. His kind, honest, loyal Dean, his husband with the gentle green eyes and the rough hands, the love of his life. Castiel’s childhood friend and first boyfriend, the man he stabbed in the heart when he left on that far-off evening ten years ago.  

“I’m sorry,” he says, getting up and stumbling toward Dean, “forgive me, I didn’t know what they were and I just couldn’t stop… I’m really sorry. I have no excuse.”

Dean’s breathing hard, not looking at him. 

“Dean?”

“Thought you left again,” Dean says jerkily, ignoring the letters and his apology, “it was stupid.”

“ _ Dean, _ ” Castiel says, a little pained. He throws his arms around his husband, pressing a kiss to his hair. “Nothing and no one is ever going to keep me away from you, I promise. I know I hurt you, I know I caused you so much pain, but Dean... I didn’t know  _ how much _ till today.”

Dean’s quiet in his embrace, his breathing still rapid, his heart thumping frantically under Castiel’s palm. 

“I’m sorry,” Castiel babbles, alarmed at the silence, “Believe me Dean, I’ve regretted every single day we’ve spent apart. I loved you, I thought of you, I stopped myself from calling so many times because I was so scared you’d tell me to get lost. Or that you’d moved on. And I hated myself every single day, hated myself for being such an insufferable coward who didn’t deserve you anyway.” 

“That’s enough, Cas,” Dean says faintly, cutting off his stream of self reproach with a rough kiss.  

They cling to each other, the faint rustling of paper under their feet as a gentle breeze picks up. 

“Throw them away,” Dean mumbles against his lips, “forgot I still had them. I don’t want to talk about what happened then.”

“Dean - ”

“You’re here now,” Dean says firmly, his eyes wet, “that’s enough for me.”

Castiel looks at him, his mouth dry. Dean gives him a watery smile before kissing him gently. 

“You’re here now.”

“Always, Dean.”


End file.
